The Residue Remains

Growing up in a family where battering was a regular event (usually Wednesdays when my father - a doctor- worked a half day) was brutal. Black eyes, bruises, internal injuries- I feared for my mother's life on a regular basis until I grew old enough (11) to break the family secret. I brought the neighbors in on it which precipitated my parents' divorce- and later, money problems which put tremendous pressure on my mother. I felt some guilt over this, and plenty of anger at the sexism in society that made it so hard for my mother to make a living wage and support our family.

All this left me with emotional repercussions I still feel over 40 years later. I am strongly aware of issues like women's independence and being financially self supporting, and at the same time have always struggled with a desire to be taken care of - emotionally and on all levels, because I feel I never had a childhood. I have struggled with huge trust and abandonment issues in relationships, stemming from some of the events that transpired. Substances were also an issue for me when I was growing up. I really wanted to escape my reality.

But most of all it has motivated me to make the effort to work with children who are at risk, to try to help them and support them in growing stronger, and finding out who they are, so that they know that they do not deserve and are not responsible for the behaviors of adults towards them. So that they can grow up free of the emotional baggage that has slowed me down in life.

Slowly things are improving for me, and the wonderful women, friends, lovers, therapists in my life have helped me to grow and open up to loving my self and others at a deeper level. And I am grateful to my higher power and to my meditation teachers for all that they give me on a daily basis. Without all of the loving support I have received, I would have been lost.
IMUA!

Passing Abuse down through Generations

It was not my father who was the abuser, it was my mother. My father was even a victum often hiding away when my mother was on a rampage. I watched her break my sister's collarbones and when she told me she would kill me I had no doubt. She was abused by her father...or as she explained "she must of had it coming". She felt her dad would only beat her when she assumed she had done something wrong and therefore desired the punishment. She felt justified in expressing her frustration, anger and rage at her children. My Dad, raised by a woman who also was abusive and threatening cowered and acted helpless. When I became a parent I vowed I would be different. I was the first years but as stress gained motentum I found myself reaching a point where I was feeling out of control with rage. Thankfully I realized I needed immediate help. Trauma is a repetitive pattern unless consciously acknowledged and resolved.

From Abuser to Friend

I had been married eighteen months the night my husband decided I was a good punching bag for all his frustrations. There was a house full of people that night and our 11 month old son lay sleeping in the room across the hall. My husband started in on me about why my pay check had not been deposited in our bank account yet. He knew I did not get paid until the 5th of the following month and it had been only two days since payrool had been wired for the second half of the month. I told him if it wasn't in the bank by in the morning I would stop by payroll and find out if there had been a problem with transfer. I was the only one working at the time, he was uncomfortable with my making more than he did anyway. A message he got from somewhere I know it wasn't his father who preferred to forge other peoples signatures on whatever document he could to take what did not belong to him. A few minutes later, he asked me the same thing again. I turned and looked at him, and repeated I will find out in the morning, payroll is not open at 10 o'clock in the evening.

For reasons known only to him he pushed back on the bed and hit me in face breaking my nose, as blood gushed from my nose I curled into a fetal position to protect myself, he hit my face again breaking my right jaw, and causing a concussion, then he began beating me along my back and sides, he broke three ribs, caused some damage to the thoraic area of my spine, and continued to pummel until my mother-in-law stopped him. She called 911, they determined I was not injured enough to require ambulance assistance, the police came told him to leave, with me bleeding like a stuck pig, he was not arrwested that night, I was placed on the floor I worked on since it was the only lock down unit in the hospital, I lost my job three days later for being a patient on the psychiatric unit I worked in, I was never allowed to file a criminal complaint because police officers carried gun and were not allowed on the psych floor.

I did the only thing I could do at that point return home to my parents who were not supportive and asked to please not go out of the house until all the bruises were gone. Several years later he called me and asked to do an amends with me. He had been in AA 15 years by then and had finally found a good sponsor who made him do the work that needed to be done to get beyond his blame game, he called and took blame for his own insecurities and for taking them out on me. Surprisingily we have become very good friends at this point 13 years post marriage and divorce.

Stop The Cycle

I signed the petition because I was the victim of domestic abuse for 12 years. I lived the nightmare every day of my life from the time I became engaged until the day I finally looked in the mirror & watched my eye turn various shades of purple & green, after yet another beating & said to myself 'no more'. Still, if it had not been for my sons I would not have had the strength to get out. My children were still babies & I didn't want them to endure a violet childhood any longer. Even after my ex left the house I was still stalked, threatened & beaten. It took years to break the hold he had on me. I have raised my sons to respect women ~ to never hit or bully or threaten. Hopefully the cycle of abuse has ended in my family. 

34 yrs later..

I lived in Wash, D.C, and had bite marks over 80 % of my body. That was after being locked in a closet, having to have an abortion by myself, b/c he told me that the baby wasn't in his plans. The police did nothing, and I ran, with no resources.
I went on, to do advocacy for DV, and am proudest of working with girls, in sports programs, so that they would never tolerate DV.

34 yrs later, and we are still fighting for a federal act, that says that behavior will not be tolerated. That is horrible.

I didn't know it wasn't okay

My Mom left all 5 of us kids when I was 16. My father had verbally and physically abused her for 17 years. I met my boyfriend that year and stayed in a 4 year abusive relationship. He was the "I'm so sorry, I lost my temper" type who also reminded me it was my fault he got so angry. I had wanted to be loved so much I was willing to risk my life. One day a total stranger had asked me what the marks were on my face and I had said I ran into the car door. She knew what it really was and helped me understand I didn't have to take it and I could leave him. I hid at her apartment until I felt safe enough to start a new life. She saved my life. Now I have been married for 17 years and have children of my own and a loving husband. I stoped the cycle of violence and setting a loving example for my daughters.

Watching Her Suffer

When I was a young lady around 15 years old, my mom had a friend who used to knock on the door every Friday around 1:00 a.m. with her children to come stay with us for the weekend. She would appear at the door with either a busted lip, swollen face and bruised ribs. Her weekend consisted of a husband who would beat her and she would run to a safe place with her 3 little girls who were emotionally distraught and afraid. This was my first experience with abuse and it was scary. I want all women to join the first against this suffering. With all our voices put together we can make a might roar.