Be Strong

I was surrounded by violence from the time I was a baby. It was normal. It was an everyday occurance I thought it was how it was supposed to be! I grew into a young woman thinking that if it wasn't abusive then I wasn't loved! One night, after sitting in the police station, waiting for an officer to take pictures of my badly beaten face...two black eyes and a broken nose, I read a flyer on the wall... The violence stops with you... I think it may have been geared towards men... but I had two small boys at the time. It was my responsibility and duty to show them that this is not normal. This was my duty as a mother and as a woman to show them that women deserve to be treated wtih respect. It has been 11 years, my boy are now teenagers who have nothing but respect and compassion for women. I took a stand to make life better, which has made their life better. I am happy now, I live in a violence free environment, and my children do not know this as normal. I am so very proud of them. I want to help others realize this. And show them a better way!

It can happen to anyone...

I received the request to sign the 700women.org petition from a co-worker. When I went on the site, I saw the Share your story tab and knew that I wanted to write about my experience. For me, it's important to remember what happened so that I will know the signs in friends and family members relationships. I knew that my boyfriend was controlling and had a temper when I moved in with him, but thought that I could control it and it would not be directed towards me. We used to fight a lot about unimportant things and our arguments never seemed to really go anywhere other then around and around. He would become extremely aggitated; swearing at me, calling me names and verbally abusing me. I'm the type of person that is able to discuss issues in relationships, but sometimes just need some time and space to process things.

One day we were having such an argument; it was late summer and hot. I told him I needed to take a break from the fight and take a shower to cool down. He became even more enraged that I was going to walk away from him. He followed me into the bathroom where I was standing next to the tub, turning on the water. He was yelling at me and grabbed me by the arm to turn me around to face him. I was standing so close to the tub, that I lost my balance when he shoved me and I fell backwards into the tub, hitting the back of my head and landing squarely on my elbow. The shower curtain came down on top of me with the water from the shower soaking me. The pain in my arm was extruciating and as I climbed out he began sobbing saying how sorry he was. I drove myself to the urgent care facility, made up a story about how I'd fallen in the shower and had my arm x-rayed. It was not broken, but badly bruised and swollen. I didn't leave him then, as I believed that he was remorseful and would not do such a thing again. And he didn't until about a year later.

We were at an outdoor art festival; it was summer again and very hot this time. I told him I needed to get something cold to drink and sit in air conditioning for a while. He again became enraged and said we should just leave then. We walked to his car, me explaining that I didn't want to leave, just cool down a bit. Since it didn't fit in with his idea of things, he would take control and we would leave. When we got into the car, he started berating me about how I should be able to handle the heat, etc. Our discussion quickly escalated and we began yelling at each other. He kept telling me to shut up and when I wouldn't he punched me in the jaw. Out of fear, I grabbed for my cell phone. He beat me to it and threw it out of the car window. I was able to plead with him to drop me off at a friends house that was close by. Amazingly, he agreed. I went again to the hospital, made up some story about being hit in the face during a flag football game. Nothing was broken except my spirit. My friends told me that they would not let me go back for my safety.

I finally got up the courage to leave him and moved out shortly thereafter. Verbal abuse was the beginning. When that did not work to control me, it was followed by physical abuse. Though my story, I'm sure, is not nearly as tragic as others, it was still incredibly traumatic. It took a lot of education with counselors and support of friends to identify the slickness of abuse. It is very deceiving. My abuser slipped up only once, swearing at me and berating me in front of other people. The rest of the time he was picture perfect. That was why it was so difficult for me to see it as abuse. I'm now happily married to someone who knows how to manage his stress and frustration, without taking it out verbally or physically on me. We have disagreements and arguments but we treat each other with respect and honor. I'm so grateful for my experience as it's taught me so much, which I can hopefully share with others.

My sons, my grandchildren

I left a violent man and my marriage with four sons in the 1980's. My income went from sixty thousand a year to nine hundred dollars a month. Through the years my sons grew were horrendous because of poverty, continual threats over the phone and isolation. The outcome has been worth it.
 

I can say is no one would help me. Not one individual came forward after my stay in a shelter for battered women. No peace officer or pastor would listen.
 

My oldest son, now a wonderful father, thanked me for taking him out of the situation, telling me that at the age of twelve he was trying to find a way to stop that man from hurting us and he could think of only one solution. He told me I saved him.

Somehow we have lost the fact that our children are the ones who are the bottom line of this issue. A survey taken in Texas in the 1970's found that sixty nine percent of all homicides committed by teen males, was the elimination of the man who was hurting their mother.

My second oldest son told me that he thought we we going to die. He is my one child who carries the nightmares and emotional scars with him daily, because we had no help.  It is with hope that through these efforts our children will not suffer. The law is already written to protect us, yet it is enforced randomly. For our children we must continue and realize the terrorism that is taking place in our own nation's homes.  I invite all concerned to look into the Quincy Massachusetts' Domestic Violence Model and be amazed. Enforced laws end domestic violence. Thank you and be well.

'for the children's sake'

When I was 8 years old, my 3 siblings and I listened as my dad beat my mom - again. But this time there was something different- we were terrified that he would kill her. As we beat on the bathroom door, begging him to stop- we heard her screams, his yelling & the thuds of blows as well as her being thrown against the wall. When he finally opened the door, we saw her laying in a pool of blood coming from her head, unconscious. That day I vowed to myself that it would never happen to me.

This violence continued & then extended to the children, not only from my dad but also from my mom who had learned to beat one into submission as a way to achieve what they wanted, as well as let off steam. As I grew up, I vowed that I would never subject my children to this. When it happened to my eldest sister, my boyfriend as well as I supported her (once we found out about it, that is), not allowing her spouse to attack her again when she was pregnant & divorcing him.

Then, this same boyfriend of mine did the same to me. With regret he assured me that it would never happen again. We ended up marrying & it didn't happen again- for 6 years. By then we had an infant daughter & I was too ashamed to tell my family about it. We went to counseling & I thought that was the end of it. Unfortunately it was not. Three years later after our 2nd daughter was a toddler, it happened again. As I listened to their terrified screams- my vow came back to me & I finally had the courage to pick up the phone- pretending to call the police- just to get him out of the house. Again, I thought with counseling this could be repaired. But within hours he returned to the house- threatening to have me killed & that is when I went to the police to fill out an order of protection. Since this was 1990 the Violence Against Women Act was not in effect. In fact I recieved a lot of skepticism & scathing comments from the CPD about whether the events really happened as I stated or if I just staged this.

Three strikes & he was out- but still I tried to amend things by going to counselors, setting up appointments even with my dad as we were Catholics & 'for the childrens sake' I should try to make it work. These he would never show up for. So 'for my children's sake' I did not go back to the abuse & set off to do it on my own while finishing my Master's degree in Women's Health, destitute with a 13 month old & a four year old. But I did it!

I am now a thriver, not just a survivor while he continues to abuse women- to the point he was even put in jail for it- twice! I know it is a hard road that women must face when leaving their abuser- but for the childrens sake we must change the pattern of abuse. Don't allow them to grow up seeing their moms beaten & then they hopefully won't allow someone to do that to them in the name of love. Thank you for all that you do- I was just doing volunteer work with the 'Rhythm & Rights' crew here in the area & totally support all the work that AI does. Stop the violence, Save a life is my motto. Blessed be Evelyn CNM, FNP

Free at last

I spent 23 years with my abusive ex husband. I thought that I deserved the treatment that I got, I felt responsible somehow. He was an alcoholic and cocaine addict. He blackened my eyes and broke my nose, he ripped my hair out, he kicked me. I didn't know that there was anyone who could help me. During the last part of the marriage, I found a shelter to stay in. I saw that there was a way out. With support from others, I have been able to start my life over. I know that no one deserves to be battered like I was. I want to speak out so that other women take the step to a real life, a safe life. We all deserve it.

I Never Told

When I was 21 I was hit by a 27 year old man who had been my freind for years before we dated. He hit me in public and humiliated me as well as causing me to bleed all over and visit the emergency room. When we were in the hospital I listened to him tell the nurses and doctors that I was a sloppy drunk and hurt myself while intoxicated by falling down the staris and hitting my head. I just sat there and cried. I never told the nurses, doctors or the police. Some time later in our small community I saw him hit his new girlfreind who was only 18 at the time. It broke my heart to know that in some way I might have been responsible for her pain because I was too afraid to press charges. I am 26 now and it still haunts me to know that she is still with him and very possibly being hit.

I had a choice, live or die. I chose to live.

I met a very charming and protective older man after my first husband abandoned me. I felt pressured and rushed into the relationship. I didn't know that was a red flag at the time. He lied to my boss and co-workers while I was out of the state on business, and said we got married. I was too afraid of how that would affect my career in the military if I revealed the truth. After we got married he began the emtional abuse and broke many things around the house then tell me I should be grateful he wasn't breaking my face.....eventually I learned that if stood up for myself he would back down, for a while. Until one New Years eve he attempted to shoot me but the gun misfired. I knew then I had to get far away from this man or die. It took me thirteen months of secretly planning my move across the nation and segregating my finances from his. Two months after I drove across the country, he followed me and again held me at gun point on Thanksgiving. I had him arrested. But with his VISA card he was out on bail in six hours! He eventually destroyed everything in my condo, stole two vehicles, poured battery acid on the car I got away with, he made four round trips across the US to stalk me and made another attempt to shoot me on a military base in broad daylight. I had to get special permission to disappear twice before my divorce was granted. Every time I saw a jeep like my stolen vehicle I froze in terror. I had to live on base with a cop for a roomate for a year and a half under "protective custody." Today, Thanksgiving is still a tense time for me, as well as New Years eve. But I am alive and give thanks for the opportunity to share my story and be an advocate for other women survivors of partner violence. Recovery has been long and painful but I am worth it!